Infidelity is one of the most disheartening things that can occur in a relationship, and breaks the bond of trust and love that had existed between two partners. However, it can be overcome if you begin to understand why your partner felt the need to stray from the relationship, and you are willing to forgive. First, let me say that I do not condone such behavior, and I believe it to be an act of immorality, although recovering from infidelity has nothing to do with whether I or anyone else feels that the act was morally right or wrong! There are some professionals out there that will denounce a relationship that has suffered from infidelity as irreparable, and one that requires divorce or ending it as the solution. Granted, there are relationships that should end since the risk of saving them can be far too costly to the partner on the receiving side. Relationships that contain sexual or physical abuse fall into this category! When these elements are present in a relationship, and your partner is exhibiting this behavior, you must understand that there are other underlying issues that are causing the abuse. In fact, it really has nothing to do with what you have or have not done in the failing relationship. Therefore, I would not recommend staying in such a relationship, or attempting to repair it! On the other hand, most relationships that have suffered from infidelity and do not contain abusive behavior can be saved. However, to save the relationship the following criteria must first be present;
1. You are willing to understand why he has strayed, and are willing to correct the problem.
2. You are willing to forgive him for his behavior. The above criteria are based on the fact that you are the offended partner, if in fact you have strayed from the relationship then it would take your partners willingness to understand and forgive. However, it will also require your willingness to end the affair and cease your behavior.
Why did one of you stray?
In a successful relationship, two partners meet each other's emotional needs. But when these needs go unmet in the relationship, partners are tempted to go outside the relationship to satisfy them. A lack of understanding of what these emotional needs are often contributes to a couple's failure to meet them. Men try to meet needs that they value, and women do the same. You see, often in a failing relationship both partners usually act from their male and female elements respectively, and end up trying to meet the wrong needs. A man does not want a partner that acts strictly from the female element, but rather from a balance of both elements. Sure, he wants a partner that is caring, compassionate, understanding, loving, affectionate, and romantic! Sure, he wants a partner that he is physically and sexually attracted to, but more than anything else he wants a partner that makes him feel like a man! He wants a partner that walks through life with feminine grace. He wants a partner that is self confident and knows how to make her dreams come true, and knows how to articulate her needs. Someone that acts from both female and male elements!! Women want a man that is not only an achiever, strong, and self confident, but they want a man that is thoughtful, caring,understanding, passionate and romantic. They want a man that will just listen to them without trying to offer a solution or to achieve a specific outcome. They want a man that is thoughtful enough to understand how to fulfill their emotional needs, rather than his own.
However, quite frequently in a relationship crisis a women attempts to meet the needs of her partner by showering him with the needs that she values most, such as affection, caring, compassion, understanding and love. At this point in the crisis he has already begun to withdrawal, so taking this approach will only demonstrate that you can't meet his needs, and will prove to be disastrous. Furthermore, the more you continue this approach the more you will drive your partner away, hence seeking fulfillment outside the relationship. Now, I know your probably thinking, but he's the one that had the affair! He's wrong, not me! Well, there is no question that what he did was wrong, but if you want to continue to place the blame squarely on his shoulders then you may as well draw up the divorce settlement agreement, or pull the plug on the relationship right now!!!! You see, until you are willing to look at what you did or didn't do in the relationship to meet his needs, and how to fix it, he's not going to change and neither is your relationship!!!!!!!!!! What have you done in the relationship that caused his needs to go unmet? Sometimes it does involve a lack of sexual fulfillment and intimacy, although that is not the main reason! You have already read the first five parts of this e-system, and have had an opportunity to uncover your negative self limiting beliefs. However, if you are still a bit unclear as to what they are, now would be a good time to revisit that section, to definitively nail down the exact culprits responsible for your inability to meet your partner's needs. If Your Partner was Unfaithful If your partner has been unfaithful, he has broken the bond of your relationship and has undermined your trust in him. Certainly, this has caused you to be pelted with a torrential barrage of emotions ranging from, feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. You may in fact even feel that he owes you some form of compensation for what he has done, and at times feel like you want to punish him for it! These are common reactions to infidelity by the offended partner, but you will need to move beyond these feeling if you wish to save your relationship. Try and understand that the past is the past, and there is not a darn thing you can do to change it, so holding on to it will only hurt you! Think about it, is the anger and resentment you are feeling inside right now hurting him? No, of course not! It's hurting you! Yes, he was the one that had the affair! Is he wrong for doing so? Yes! But you have got to pull yourself up by the boot straps, come to the realization that he strayed from the marriage for a reason, and understand that until you're willing to fix the problem nothing in your life or relationship is going to change! You must ascertain which emotional needs went unmet and ultimately caused him to stray from the marriage. You can do this by once again reviewing parts III and IV to determine what patterns of self limiting beliefs have sabotaged your relationship, and which forms of family dysfunctions they have originated from. Once you have definitively uncovered the self limiting beliefs, it is then time to uncover how they have prevented you from fulfilling your partner's needs. Have they prevented you from being fully intimate, or have your fears and insecurities caused you to be jealous and suspicious of your partner. I am sure you can read between the lines, and if you do a bit of reflection you will see that your partner has complained to you about some of the areas that have gone unmet. If you're confident that you have an accurate accounting of his unmet needs, you should proceed with step I of the Relationship Rehab System, which is drafting a statement of agreement. Now, would be a good time to refer back to that section to begin drafting your statement.
What if you have you allowed the affair to continue?
Have you elected to stay in your relationship and permit an affair to continue for your children's sake, or because your scared and afraid? Well, you are not alone because many people often do, in an act of desperation to save their relationship.However, what you don't realize is that your lack of self esteem and self confidence is part of the underlying reason why your partner strayed from the relationship in the first place! Therefore, in essence, you are only confirming to your partner that they were justified for being unfaithful because you have proven to him that you can't meet his needs. Furthermore, by staying in such a relationship under those circumstances you have given him a license to keep you on an emotional roller coaster for years to come. Why should he choose chocolate or vanilla when he can have them both!!!!!!! You see, some of his needs are being met by his paramour, and some of his other needs are being met by you. Therefore, it's no big surprise that he wants to have both!!! Now, I am not at all suggesting that you give him an ultimatum at this point since that would be like pouring salt in his open wound! However, what I am saying is that after you present your statement of agreement you will need to begin to send him subtle messages that will state that you don't condone his behavior and that you aren't going to continue to tolerate it. As you manage the dynamics of the relationship, and time goes on, you will need to make the message progressively stronger. You want to arrive at a particular juncture of the choice between chocolate and vanilla, although the way to get him to choose that is by attraction, rather than force. In addition to sending him subtle messages of intolerance, you must also avoid becoming part of his behavior or enabling his affair. The following statements provide a few examples of how to deliver the message of intolerance;
1. If your partner makes an attempt to be intimate or affectionate towards you.
Simply state that you do not feel comfortable with that, and you are not going to participate while he is involved in a relationship with another partner!
2. If your partner attempts to introduce your children to his paramour. State that doing so is not in the children's best interest, and you are not going to permit them to be subjected to such behavior!
3. If you partner attempts to discuss his paramour with you. Explain that you do not feel comfortable holding a discussion with him about the person that he is continuing to have an affair with, and remove yourself from the room!
Your compensation
Is not at all uncommon for the offended spouse to want some form of compensation for the infidelity their partner has committed, although to often this leads to a mindset of seeking punishment or revenge! You must be willing to let go of the resentment you are holding onto, and be willing to forgive your partner, or you will destroy any chance you have of saving the relationship.
Your prize or compensation is not punishing your partner, but will be attracting your partner back on your terms, and having the relationship that you've always dreamed of!!!
For more information about the Relationship Rehab for Women E-System
click on the link below.
saving relationship
Best Wishes,
David Roppo
Relationship Coach
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